A SHORT DIALOG ON SERIOUS MATTERS

Hey there, Gentle Reader

“Hey there, Tom.”

I’d like to speak seriously to you about the three things that make this country great: Strawdog Theatre Company, the Internet and Money.

“Tom, we, as a great country, are deeply indebted to all three of those things.“

I know you are, Gentle Reader. I know you are.

It’s hard for me to believe but I have been a Strawdog company member for ten years. When I look at photos of myself at Strawdog from 2000 I see someone very young and tender. I think “I would totally make out with that guy.” But now when I look in the mirror I think “Holy shit, is that Mike Nussbaum?”

I console myself by remembering that I’m three times as virile now as I was in 2000. Ask anyone. It’s actually frightening. Don’t test me.

“We believe you, Tom. Or, at least, we don’t particularly care.”

Excellent. Then you have learned the first lesson. Speaking of lessons: I have learned a lot in my time at Strawdog. I learned how important working as a team is and how every single person who works on a show takes pride in their job. I learned you don’t have to actually be on stage to get satisfaction. I learned how to skim the fat off of a performance. I learned to listen. Once, at a party at Mike Dailey’s, I drank a Red Bull and vodka. I learned that it’s sort of awful. That was a learning experience too.

I have, in short, been given a lot of opportunities at Strawdog and I’ve been lucky enough to share, with my fellow company members and our audiences, a lot of funny, sad and transcendent moments. I say this in all seriousness.

“That’s lovely. But what of the Internet, Tom?”

Who talks like that, Reader? “But what of the Internet?” No one talks like that. Maybe Shakespeare. Maybe.

But, yes, I did mention the Internet. Well… I have also been working as a web designer for almost exactly 10 years and I am very aware of the changes the Internet has wrought in our society. It has brought a wave of pornography, violence and general cultural degradation. But it has also had some negative consequences.

“We see what you did there, Tom.”

Yes, I kid. But I am also serious. Tell me, Reader (if that is your real name): What percentage of the material you access on the internet would you be comfortable telling your mother about? 90 percent? 10 percent? Zero percent? Less than zero percent? Less than zero percent means that you’re actually producing this questionable Internet content. You are, aren’t you?

Now that we’ve determined that I’m dealing with a smut merchant, I’d like to appeal to whatever shred of self-respect you may have left and ask: “why not use the Internet for Good instead of Evil?” Note how I capitalized “Good” and “Evil.” I did that because of the seriousness.

“This is where the Money comes in, isn’t it, Tom?”

STOP READING MY MIND, READER!!!

Strawdog is now about to begin its 23rd season. 23 is an important season for any theatre company because it’s a prime number. Even the ancient Greeks recognized this.

Going into this season Strawdog finds itself with a $4000 hole in our budget. We’re very upfront about that. That’s what we bring to the table: Honesty. And Seriousness. In order to fill that hole we are going to hold a two night telethon for Strawdog. It will feature short scenes, music, game shows and Andy Lawfer. You’ve heard about Andy Lawfer, haven’t you? Many of those stories are true.

You can experience either one of these once-in-a-lifetime nights, in person, for the ridiculously low, low price of $10. You probably spend more every week on salve.

“Sadly true.”

We will also be streaming the festivities live on the Internet. That’s right, Gentle Reader. Your friends in Micronesia and Belarus will be able to enjoy some of Strawdog’s greatest hits including excerpts from the Hit Factory, Shannon Hoag’s AmeriSnax, a live presentation of Hickey and Lawfer’s “Technical Difficulties”, fantastic music from the house band and, to cap it all off, a Theatre Wars Tournament of Champions. And they will also be able to donate on-line as well. This will also be useful for agoraphobics. Or people who don’t like to touch other people.

So, in closing, I ask: Won’t you please use the Internet for Good by donating to Strawdog during our time of need? Or, better yet, come out to the Telethon and enjoy yourself in Strawdog’s friendly confines.

“You have convinced us, Tom. We will attend one or both of these fantastic nights of entertainment. We would be fools not to. But, say… What is this two night telethon spectacular called?”

We call it the Strawdog Plea Circus.

“That is a pun, Tom. We never would have agreed to anything if we’d known puns were involved.”

Too late, Reader! Too late!

Seriously,

Tom Hickey

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